101 Things Not To Say To Your Werewolf Friend In Mixed Company
by ImSuperSiriusGuys
Summary: Remus Lupin kept his lycanthropy a secret for seven years while attending Hogwarts. It wasn't always an easy task though with friends like his. Especially Sirius Black. 101 Shorts. No pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**101 Things Not To Say To Your Werewolf Friend In Mixed Company**

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**These posts are just going to be silly shorts. Our plan is to post twice or more a week on average. We came up with this idea, because we were constantly thinking up retarded things for Sirius to say to Remus in front of people, but they weren't realistic enough to put in a story. So, here they will go, at least until we reach 101. Hehe. Hope you enjoy it!**

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_"_Hello, Professor Lupin," Harry Potter greeted warmly as he walked into the kitchen at 12 Grimmauld Place.

"Just Remus, Harry, I'm not your teacher anymore," the werewolf reminded the boy. He sat down at the wooden table in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, motioning the boy to join him with a wave of his hand.

"Ah, Harry! Great to see you!" Sirius Black walked into the kitchen, grabbed an apple and sat down beside Remus.

"How has school been?" Remus asked as he batted Sirius's hand away from his coffee.

Harry looked down at his hands. "It's been fine. I wouldn't mind a bit more privacy though. It seems like my whole life is either being recorded by Rita Skeeter or everyone already knows it at the moment." He looked up at Remus. "How did you manage to go seven years without anyone figuring you were a...a werewolf?" he asked curiously.

Remus gave an understanding smile. "It can be very hard to have any sort of privacy at Hogwarts. The important thing is-"

"-Your mates," Sirius cut in, attracting the boy's attention. "You need friends who can think quickly on their toes, who are experts in the area of covert operations. They need to always-"

"-Really?" Remus looked at his friend in complete disbelief before turning back to Harry. "I am lucky to have not been discovered in my _first year_ thanks to my friends." Remus laughed, shaking his head as incident after incident ran through his mind.

"_What_? Name _one_ time James or I said something incriminating. I bet you can't," Sirius said, crossing his arms as he waited.

"Oh, I could name much more than that!" Remus retorted.

Harry watched the back in forth in amusement.

Sirius leaned back and lifted his eyebrows expectantly. "Let's hear them then."

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**Oh No He Didn't #1**

"I can't believe Lily said she'd go to Hogmseade with me on Saturday!" a fifteen-year-old James Potter said excitedly as he and his friends sat at the Gryffindor table for dinner.

Remus's eyes widened. "She did?" he asked in shock.

"Well," James paused. Sirius let out a snicker. Remus's eyes shot over to the laughing boy, who shook his head in dissent. James continued, not noticing, "She _actually_ said, 'we are all going to Hogsmeade', but that's basically a yes. She was just being shy," he insisted.

"She certainly wasn't shy when she called you a stupid git," Sirius added, laughing as the angry boy looked down and grumbled at his plate.

Remus fought a smile as he stabbed a piece of rare meat with his fork and lifted it to his mouth.

"Moony, you've got a little juice right here." Sirius motioned to his own chin.

"Oh, right," Remus said, lifting a napkin and wiping away the mess. "Thanks, Padfoot."

"No problem... Hey, do you know what that just reminded me of?" Sirius asked with a smile on his face.

"What's that?" Remus asked offhandedly.

"A few months ago when you woke up with blood all over your face and neck." Sirius let out a barking laugh, not noticing the other students looking over in confusion or his friend's mouth dropping open in horror. "Remember how relieved we all were when we realized it was mine?" he asked in a nostalgic voice.

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**XD**


	2. Chapter 2

**He Did What #2**

"Hey Moony," a fourteen-year-old Sirius greeted the werewolf, flopping down on the bed beside him. "What are you doing?"

Remus lowered his book slowly, and replied dryly, "Reading." He lifted his text and began to read again. Sirius scooted closer to the boy, leaning on the same pillow. Black hair edged slowly closer and closer to sandy hair.

"Just ask me, Sirius," the werewolf huffed grumpily. His friend always got really quiet when he wanted something.

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked indignantly.

"So you _don't _want anything," Remus said slowly, not believing the words for a second.

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek. "All right, I do have a favor to ask of you," he admitted. "But, I know you have homework, and I promise it will only take a moment."

Remus set down his book. "Shoot."

Sirius smiled and lifted his wrist up under the werewolf's nose. "Bite me."

Remus smacked the arm away immediately. "What!" he yelled in outrage, pushing himself off of the bed and taking a few steps back. He was sure his friend had finally lost his mind.

Sirius stood up quickly, "Please."

"No! Absolutely not!"

"But, Remus I need you to bite me! It's the only way!"

Remus looked torn between confused and horrified. "_Only way_?"

Sirius nodded his head emphatically. "Yes, that way people won't be suspicious of you if we both have the urge to eat rare meat. I've tried before to do it and every time I've just gotten really sick. That will all be fixed if you'd just help me out." He held out his arm again.

Remus took another step back and glanced at the door. Sirius noticed and leapt at him, tackling him to the floor before he could escape. He shoved his arm up to his friend's mouth, pushing it hard against his clenched teeth. The werewolf rolled the other boy over onto his back quickly and held his arms down. Frank Longbottom walked into their dorm to see the two boys wrestling.

Sirius tried to push his neck up to Remus's mouth. "Just do it. Come on."

Frank's jaw dropped at the strange request. Remus's gaze shot up to the boy.

"Ah, Frank. Don't worry. I'm just-aghhkk," Remus choked. Sirius had pulled one of his hands loose while Remus was distracted and shoved his fingers into the boy's mouth. Remus jerked away.

Frank continued to watch in confusion as Sirius excitedly studied the hand that he had just shoved into Remus's mouth. "Bollocks. No luck. It didn't even break the skin," he said, disappointment coating his words. "Here, let me try again."

Frank turned without another word, walking out the door.

"Frank! Wait! Come ba-ahggkk," Remus choked as Sirius pushed his fingers back in between his teeth, pushing up on his chin with his other hand to increase the pressure.

"Do you want me to throw up again Remus? Do you?" Sirius screamed. "Friends help friends!"

The sound of Frank's footsteps picked up speed as he descended the stairs.

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:)


	3. Chapter 3

**Seriously Guys? #3**

Remus trudged into the common room behind his friends. He groaned quietly before stopping and flopping down on the first couch he reached.

"Moony? Aren't you coming up?" James asked, stopping on his way to the sixth-year dorms. He had turned around to get a second look at Lily Evans and noticed the werewolf was no longer behind them.

Remus waved his friend away with a tired hand, his eyes shut as he reclined his head on the back of the couch. "No, I think I'll just rest here. Go on without me."

"We can wait," Sirius's voice said nearby. The werewolf felt the couch dip on either side of him.

"Yeah, it's no rush," James added from the werewolf's other side.

"What's wrong with Lupin?" asked a curious voice. Remus opened his eyes to see Robert Matthews, a fifth-year, looking down at him.

"Oh, I-"

"-He was attacked," James said quickly, interrupting his friend.

The younger boy's eyes widened in shock. "By what!"

"No, it's-"

"-A wild animal. It happened late last night when we were out after curfew," Sirius responded over Remus.

James nodded in agreement. "It was vicious. He barely got away alive," he continued with the story. Remus opened his mouth to speak before closing it back.

Robert started to walk away but then froze. "Bloody hell! You know... Last night was a full moon. You don't think it could have been a-"

"No," James and Sirius said firmly almost in unison, not even allowing him to finish his question.

The boy looked at them dubiously. His eyes shifting to Remus to study him more closely.

"I actually got a good look it at," Sirius said loudly, pausing for a moment before blurting out, "It was a rabbit."

Remus's eyes widened, his eyebrows shot up. "I'm sorry?"

"Did you say a _rabbit_?" Robert asked sharply.

"Yeah, it. It was a white...rabbit," Sirius said, biting his upper lip as Remus glared menacingly at him. "Right, Prongs?"

James rubbed a finger along the side of his nose roughly. "Ah, yeah. I'd say it was... or perhaps a shrew?" he added, hoping to appease the furious werewolf. "I hear they can be quite aggressive."

A repressed growl rumbled in Remus's chest. Sirius and James leaned away. The fifth-year boy let out a laugh. He looked once more at Remus and shook his head in a condescending manner before walking off.

"Actually I think I'm going to go."

"Yeah, me too."

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**Thank you all sooo much!**

**:)**


	4. Chapter 4

**No No #4**

James, Sirius and Remus shared a couch in the Gryffindor common room. Remus was in the middle, studying for their N.E.W.T.'s that were to begin the following week. Sirius and James were tossing a wadded up piece of parchment back and forth over the oblivious werewolf's head. The two disruptive wizards had shared a bottle of firewhiskey in their dorm before coming down to join their werewolf friend.

"-And that's, that's why I am scared, nay _terrified, _of those tiny dogs that old Muggles always own. They look nice, they do, but they're aren't!" Sirius warned, displaying a barely visible two centimeter long scar on his left ankle to James. James tsked at the atrocity of it all. Sirius rolled down his slack leg and then leaned back and tossed the ball over Remus's head again.

James reached his hands out and caught the Marauder-made ball. He tossed it from one hand to the other repeatedly as he eyed his sober friend speculatively before saying, "So Remus, I always wondered..."

The werewolf looked up from his work and nodded for him to finish. "When you were, you know, younger, were you a little furry, or a big furry, like now? 'Cause if you were a little furry-"

"-James-" Remus tried to stop him, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention.

"-I mean that'd be really cute but kind of creepy too. Because-" a few heads popped up from their studies curiously.

"-James!" Remus's yell startled the drunken boy into momentary silence. He spoke in a hushed tone, "A little furry, okay? A little furry. _Now stop_."

"A liiiiittle furryyy!" James celebrated loudly, laughing gleefully, lifting both hands in the air. Their fellow Gryffindor shared a common air of confusion, but a handful broke out in clapping, not sure what they were celebrating but doing so nonetheless.

Remus shook his head, trying to hide his amusement.

Sirius quirked a smile. "I believe that calls for another round of drinks, Prongs."

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**Short, but hopefully still sweet! :-)**


	5. Chapter 5

**What The Blast-Ended Skrewt #5**

"Then I told him he could kiss my arse if he thought I was about to apologize to that greasy Slytherin and-"

Remus nodded politely as James continued his rant about his least favorite person, Severus Snape. The werewolf picked up a roll and placed it on his plate.

"So that's how you got detention for the next five Saturdays?" Remus asked, pouring pumpkin juice into his glass.

James looked at his friend in confusion. "No. That's how I got detention for the next twelve Sundays. Saturday detention was from when Sirius and I decided it would be funny to-"

"Ah!" Remus gasped, dropping the serving spoon to the mashed potatoes from his hand. He had been too distracted and not noticed that the usual golden spoon had been replaced with a silver one.

"Remus, are you okay? What happened?" asked a concerned Lily Evans. She looked down at the spoon laying on the table and began to reach for it.

Sirius noticed the motion and his hand darted out, grabbing the spoon before she could reach it.

"Ahhhhhhh!" Sirius let out a blood curdling scream, still holding the spoon in his hand. The entire great hall quieted as their heads all turned to see the tall, Gryffindor Quidditch beater stand up and chuck the spoon across the room and over the Slytherin table before it hit the wall with a loud clang and dropped to the floor.

"It burns! It burns!" Sirius screamed, his face contorted in an expression of agony as he ran out of the hall at a mad sprint, gripping his hand.

Lily's wide eyes turned to Remus and James, who were staring at each with their mouths agape.

"What was that?" she demanded, her gaze shifting from one boy to the other.

"It must have been hot," James reasoned with a shrug.

Her eyes shifted back to the werewolf in bemusement, who was hiding his burned hand under the table. "Was it?"

"Yes. It was _quite_ hot," he said, an unconvincing look on his face. He looked back down to his food and began eating again.

"You seem okay," Lily said, eyeing Remus skeptically.

"Sirius is a bit of a pansy," James responded quickly for his friend, shrugging his shoulders again before proffering a wink. Remus nodded in agreement, lifting his glass to hide the smile stubbornly pushing at the corners of his mouth. Lily scowled at James before slowly turning away and back to her friends.

Remus snorted into his glass and James held back a laugh as he took a large bite of roll.

"A _huge_ pansy," he said around the food in his mouth.

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**Review if you laughed XD**


	6. Chapter 6

**Uh Uh #6**

Sirius Black walked into the library with a bag tucked securely under one arm. He strolled down the aisles, whistling cheerfully as he searched for his werewolf friend.

"I'm back here, Sirius!" a whisper hiss came from the wizard's left.

Sirius made his way towards the agitated voice, turning a corner to find Remus sitting at a table with a parchment of at least two feet before him.

"Moony!" the excited boy greeted. He pulled the bag out from under his arm and opened it, the paper crinkling loudly. "I got you this. It reminded me of you. Isn't the resemblance uncanny?" he asked, holding up a small, grey stuffed wolf proudly.

Remus blinked. Then he blinked again.

"How so?" a voice asked curiously. Sirius peered around the bookshelf to see a sixth-year Ravenclaw witch sitting across from Remus, having been hidden from his view.

"Oh. Hello person with Remus," Sirius greeted the witch lightly, who smiled back in an unsure manner. "It's rather obvious isn't it?" he said, pointing at the stuffed wolf and then Remus and back, hoping she would be too confused to question it further.

"No, not really," she responded instead. Remus arched an eyebrow and looked to Sirius expectantly.

Sirius ran a hand over the stuffed toy anxiously, "Well, because...it's so soft. And Remus is soft," he tried.

The girl's eyebrows shot up. Remus pushed his lips together between his teeth.

Sirius cleared his throat and addressed the werewolf hesitantly. "What I meant is... You always use that muggle conditioner in your hair..." he motioned to his own hair.

The girl smiled clearly amused before looking back down to her work, letting the subject drop. Sirius grinned at the werewolf cockily. Remus's mouth tugged up one side in response. "And what else, Sirius?"

The wizard's grey eyes narrowed, and he glared at the werewolf, before the witch turned back to him to await his response. Sirius quickly plastered a smile back on his face. He nodded and looked down to the wolf in his hand. "Well, it's... It's _grey_. And, and you have grey hairs," he paused, looking up into the Ravenclaw's eyes. "I must confess. I'm an absolute fan of his hair really," he dead-panned.

The witch sat quietly for a few beats before a laugh escaped her lips and then another and another. She forced out between her giggles, "Wow, that was. That was actually really sweet. Could I see it?" she asked, reaching out a hand towards the stuffed wolf.

Sirius flashed her a cheeky grin, leaning towards her as he handed the gift over. "Sure. I must warn you though. It bites." He snapped at the space right in front of her outreached hand, surprising the girl.

The witch broke into another fit of laughter. A happy sigh escaped her lips as she wiped away a few errant tears running down her cheeks. "Oh, Remus... He's so funny! How do you contain yourself around him?" she asked. Sirius beamed at the compliment.

Remus grinned despite himself. "It's something I struggle with on a daily basis."

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**:-P**


	7. Chapter 7

**I just. I just. Hm... #7**

"This one's shit. This one's shit. Oh, what's this? Oh, shit too."

"By the time you find one it'll be Christmas already, Prongs," Remus said casually. The werewolf sat happily on the floor, leaning against an ottoman with his present from the Potters, an advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts book. It was titled _So You Pissed Off A Hagraven._

"Yes, well, I have to be _very_ careful. Last year my Christmas Eve present ended up being a new set of dress robes," James explained as he crawled on his knees around the Potter Christmas tree.

"That just makes me sick," Sirius sympathized as he ran a hand lovingly over his new beater's bat from the Potters.

"See, Padfoot understands," James said from under the tree, only his feet visible. Suddenly he let out a whoop of excitement and scooted out quickly. He sat up, holding a very non-clothing like box in his hands.

"Your parents always buy the best presents," Peter said happily as he opened his tenth chocolate frog box.

"I've got a good feeling about this one." James ran his hands along the edges of the gift in excitement.

"James, your mother made a Christmas treat for you and your friends," Mr. Potter announced as he walked in the great room. James's mom followed behind him with a tray of four large, golden pastries.

Mrs. Potter set down the tray on the table directly behind Sirius before joining her husband on the love seat.

James continued to stare at the tall square present, willing it to be charmed with an undetectable extension charm and holding the newest version of his broom.

"Thank you, Mrs. Potter," Remus said politely as he leaned over and picked up one of the oversized baked treats. He took a bite and began reading his book again. The woman smiled warmly.

"Yes, thank you James's mum," Sirius said lightly, picking up one of the pastries for himself.

Sirius bit into the still-warm pastry. His eyes widened as he chewed, swallowing slowly. He looked down to see a dark creamy center. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Potter, but do these have _chocolate_ in them?"

Remus stiffened. He took another bite as he stood up quickly, leaving his book on the floor.

"Why, yes they do," she said, smiling appreciatively. Mr. Potter wrapped an arm around his wife and kissed her cheek chastely.

"_No_," Remus whispered to himself as he took a step back and towards the doorway.

Sirius's head whipped around, his gaze hardening as he watched the werewolf lift the pastry to his mouth. "_Don't you dare_."

Remus narrowed his eyes and took a large bite as he stared down at his friend.

"Is that a problem?" James's dad asked as he watched the two boys' interaction curiously.

"Remus, just put it down," Sirius said in a quiet voice as he stood up, his movements slow and deliberate.

Remus shook his head defiantly. He lifted the pastry to take another bite. Sirius jumped towards him, knocking him to the floor and preventing the bite from making it to his mouth.

"Give it to me!"

"No, it's _mine_!"

"This is-Ow!-For your own good, Remus!"

"I've told you to mind your own business, Black!"

"This _is_ my business! Don't you- Aghh! I will reach down your throat and pull that back out if you swallow!"

James's parents sat with their mouths agape, watching in shock as Sirius and Remus wrestled on the floor. Sirius was desperately trying to take the other boy's pastry, and Remus was struggling to shove it in his mouth. The two adults looked over to the fighting boys' friends, their responses only adding to the confusion.

"A good feeling, indeed," James said as he carefully peeled back the wrapping to his present amidst the yells. His eyes danced with excitement.

"James, does Frank have this card? I don't really need two." Peter frowned when James nodded, tossing it down into the quickly growing pile. He scooted towards the tree, sliding his stash along with him, when the boys rolled closer but didn't look up. He picked up another box and began opening it.

"Sirius, I've _told_ you! It's just a myth!"

"That's what they _want_ you to think! It's a conspiracy! Aha, got it! _You're welcome_! Oof!"

"Give it back _now_! Or I swear I'll...I'll-"

"-You'll what? Bite me?" Sirius laughed bitterly. "We all know you're not a good enough friend to do that!"

Mrs. Potter raised a hand to her mouth in shock.

"Mum! Dad!" The two gobsmacked wizards looked over to their son, expecting him to address the fighting boys.

"Y-yes, James?"

"Could I open just one more? _Please_?" James asked as he held a new wizard's hat, clearly unhappy.

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**:-D**

**Friends don't let werewolf friends ingest chocolate. **


	8. Chapter 8

**You're pulling my chain #8**

"I'm being Frank." Sirius leaned on his elbows, staring up at his friends as they ate their breakfast.

"Did you seriously just pass up on a Sirius joke?" James asked, a shocked look on his face.

"No, I'm being _Frank_," Sirius persisted, a small smile on his face.

Alice groaned from a few seats away, burying her face in her hands. "Not this again," she mumbled.

"Oh! Alice dear!" Sirius cried suddenly, standing from his seat and rushing over to see her, only to come to a skidding stop. His grin quickly morphed into a look of deep sadness.

Frank Longbottom glared as Sirius stalked his way over to where the couple sat, sulking.

"Alice, dear, I-"

"-Sirius, not this again," Frank interjected.

"Let me be frank with you, Sirius," Sirius said, addressing Longbottom very seriously. "It really bothers me that you talk to yourself. I think you're going a bit mad. But it bothers me even more when you spend time with my beloved Alice-"

"I am _not_ your beloved Alice," the girl snapped irritably.

"-are you breaking up with me?" Sirius spluttered suddenly, eyes wide. His lip trembled before he slumped his shoulders in defeat. "It was only a matter of time, I suppose. There are not many who can resist the devilish charms of Sirius Black." He gestured to Frank with a sigh.

"I'll just have to win you back," Sirius said.

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**Present Time**

"Wait," Sirius said suddenly, smiling at Remus. "This doesn't have anything to do with you being a werewolf," he said triumphantly. "See! You've run out of things already. In fact, one might say that my eccentric tendencies distracted from the fact that you-"

"I wasn't finished," Remus said. "_Then_, Sirius leaned down and _kissed_ her," he said to Harry, continuing his story.

**Present Time End**

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Frank's jaw fell slack as Sirius swooped down, kissing Alice smack on the lips.

He stood up, balling his hand into a fist and hauling back, slamming it into the black-haired Gryffindor's jaw.

Sirius staggered back, jaw dropping.

"Sirius!" Alice gasped, touching her lips, eyes wide with rage.

"I know! How dare he hit me! Frankly I'm insulted!" Sirius gasped.

Frank shook his swelling hand, pulled back and prepared to swing again as Sirius leaned over, attempting to pull Alice out of her seat, mumbling something about getting away from Sirius Black's intimidating muscles.

"Frank!" Alice shouted, staggering to her feet.

Sirius, taking this as a distress call for aid, lunged forward and punched Frank in the mouth.

Just then, Remus and James joined the scuffle. James scrambled to restrain Sirius, who was preparing to take another swing at the staggering Frank.

Remus pinned Frank's arms behind his back. "Frank, it's Sirius, you know he doesn't mean anything by it-"

"Look who it is! Gonna sick your werewolf on me, Sirius?" Sirius yelled from where James restrained him.

Remus's jaw dropped in horror. He released Frank.

"Let me be frank with you Alice, I always knew you were cheating on me with that Black! I mean, seriously, he is so-"

Frank lunged at the restrained wizard as Remus still stood, mouth agape.

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**XD**


	9. Chapter 9

**Why Me #9**

"Someone hex me. I want to die."

"Would you prefer a quick or slow death?"

Sirius lifted his head slowly from where it had been buried in his arms. He blinked, staring accusingly at the wizard sitting across the library table from him. "Just like that, eh?"

Remus continued to scrawl down his homework, not looking up. "If it would end your suffering, then yes." The werewolf dipped his quill in the nearby ink well and began writing once more.

Sirius opened his mouth to retort when a voice spoke up from behind him.

"Hi, Remus. Working on your potions essay?"

The werewolf looked up from his work and smiled. "Oh, hello, Tyler. Yes, I'm just about finished actually. What do you have there?" he asked, motioning to a book the fellow Gryffindor was holding.

The standing wizard glanced down at the book. "This? My mum sent it by Owl the other day. It's a book on wolves. They're actually quite fascinating animals. Do you like wolves, Remus?"

Sirius jumped up from his seat suddenly and grabbed the unsuspecting boy by his collar, shoving him against the bookcase behind him. "Why are you asking him that? Did Peter Pettigrew tell you something! Did he?" he yelled, shaking the startled boy angrily. "Tell me what you know!"

"What!" the boy cried out in confusion, staring fearfully into the wizard's wild grey eyes.

"Sirius! Sirius! Stop it!" Remus yelled out, grabbing his friend around the chest and pulling him back a few steps.

Sirius calmed down abruptly, his tensed body relaxed, his anger disappearing as quickly as it had appeared.

"Oh, sorry there, mate," he apologized, shrugging Remus's hands off and took a calming breath, shaking his head as if to clear it. He reached out a hand, helping Tyler, who had been leaning against the bookshelves clearly in shock. Sirius smoothed out the mute wizard's shirt that he had crumpled.

"I-It's, it's all right," Tyler said slowly, bemused by the entire incident.

Sirius smiled politely before his eyes took on a sinister look. He pulled the boy closer once more, his quiet voice eerily calm. "But did he?" he asked.


	10. Chapter 10

**I think I'm Going To Be Sick #10**

"Remus, we want to apologize." The werewolf turned around, his toothbrush hanging from his mouth.

He pulled the toothbrush out of his mouth. "Why?" he asked suspiciously, his gaze flicking between James and Sirius, who were sharing matching looks of guilt and some other emotion he couldn't place.

"It's. We, ah... Maybe you should tell him Padfoot," James said nervously, turning to the wizard beside him.

"Right. Remus. _Moony_. Moonster. Moo-"

"-Shut up and just tell me," Remus growled, agitation bubbling in his chest preemptively. He turned and spit into the sink, before putting his toothbrush back into his mouth, eliciting groans from the two wizards.

"Maybe we shouldn't say anything," Sirius countered, grimacing when Remus began to brush his teeth once more. James made a gagging noise like he was about to be sick.

"No. Merlin, Remus! Stop brushing your teeth!" James called out, earning an elbow to his already upset stomach from his best friend.

Remus pulled the toothbrush out slowly. "All right."

James shoved his best friend angrily. "It was your idea, now tell him!"

Remus furrowed his eyebrows and moved to finish cleaning his teeth.

"No!" the two boys cried out in unison. Remus's hand froze, his eyes widened with realization and he looked down at his hand. He had found his toothbrush on the opposite counter the other day and hadn't thought anything of it.

"Did something happen to my toothbrush?" he asked slowly, his stomach churning apprehensively.

James started to explain, his words rushed. "It was an accident. You see, Padfoot and I were sparring with our toothbrushes and I dropped mine on the floor because he cheated-"

"-I did no such thing-"

"-And so I grabbed the closest one to continue our battle-"

"-Which I once again knocked out of his talentless hands-"

"-by cheating again!-"

"-What!" Remus's cry cut through the two boys' rant. They froze, turning to him quietly.

"Are you telling me this has been on the floor!"

"Not exactly," James hedged, rubbing a nervous hand along the side of his neck and avoiding eye contact.

"The toilet," Sirius mumbled, he too was looking anywhere but at Remus.

Remus let out a strangled noise as he fought to keep down his stomach contents.

"I'm sorry. We forgot to tell you, because you were in the hospital wing. It's okay though," Sirius reassured his friend quickly as the werewolf leaned over, covering his mouth with his hand.

James nodded quickly. "Right, Sirius and I checked last night and canines have much more germ killing thingies in their mouths than humans. So you'll be _fine_!" The two boys smiled at each other and then turned back to the werewolf to gauge his response. Remus had begun groaning and was stumbling over to the toilet.

"What does _that_ mean?" Frank Longbottom asked, stepping out of the shower, having heard the entire conversation.

Sirius and James exchanged alarmed looks before Sirius spoke up quickly. "It means that we then...ah...we then cleaned Remus's toothbrush by soaking it in dog spit, of course," he lied. James nodded.

Frank's eyes widened as Remus began to retch as he leaned over the toilet. The Gryffindor walked quickly over to his own toothbrush and dropped it in the trash.

* * *

**XD**


	11. Chapter 11

**No Bloody Way #11**

"Isn't it beautiful? I've named it Remus."

"Uh..."

"Hmm... Wait, _what_?"

"Really? You're telling me you don't think this is the best thing since, since... Well, that's not important. I mean, _really _look at it."

James cocked his head to the left and then to the right. His expression staying the same, one of decided disgust.

Remus squinted his eyes. "I'm sorry, I, I just don't see it."

Sirius huffed. "It's a young thestral. And I'm going to keep it. You're a good boy, Remus." Remus watched as Sirius patted the thin air affectionately beside him.

"It's really creepy, Sirius," James said, shivering when the animal nuzzled its skinless face against his best friend's.

"What's it look like? The pictures are always invisible in the books for some reason," Remus asked curiously.

"Like a black Pegasus," Sirius cooed as he pulled out a slab of raw meat from his pocket. The werewolf watched on in shock as the piece of meat disappeared in thin air.

"Hey now!" Sirius called out, pulling his hand back. "Little bugger almost took a finger," he chuckled indulgently.

"More like a dead, rotting bird horse with a creepy long, bone tail," James muttered as he took a step back.

"'Ello! Boys, wha' are you doin' owt 'ere?" Hagrid lumbered over to the three boys at the edge of the forest.

"Oi, Hagrid, I found an orphan thestral. Look how adorable he is!" Sirius beemed proudly. "I plan to raise him as my own."

"'E's a cute one 'lright. E'll be needin protection too. Werewolves luv to eat 'em, poor things. It's odd, only creature they eat 'cept 'umans o'course!" Hagrid walked over and patted the creature affectionately.

"What!" Sirius glared suspiciously at his werewolf friend, taking a protective step in front of his new pet. "James will not be eaten!" he declared, changing its name surreptitiously upon the revelation, his eyes glued on Remus.

"I don't want that _thing_ named after me," James muttered to himself.

Hagrid looked around in confusion, pulling back his hand when he almost got nipped by its beak.

"I can't even _see_ him, Sirius," Remus reasoned quietly as the boy's gaze continued to harden towards him.

"That's what you'd _like_ me to think, isn't it? And then next thing we know, I'll find poor James _dead_, and you'll have a nice full stomach!" Sirius yelled at his friend.

Hagrid frowned. "O's goin' to eat 'im?" he asked in confusion, looking over to James, who was standing beside Remus.

"Oh, that's a disgusting mental picture," James said, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

"I'm sure _no one_ is going to bloody eat _James_, Sirius!" Remus growled, his temper flaring.

"You'll have to get past me! I swear, I won't even sleep. I'll protect James if it's the last thing I do!" Sirius yelled, his eyes widened maniacally.

Hagrid's frown deepened, looking once more between Sirius, James and Remus in complete and utter bemusement. Remus appeared livid and James looked a bit peaky.

"Righ'. Maybe I coul' take care o' the li'l one for ya," Hagrid offered, concern growing for its safety under the care of the eccentric Black wizard.

* * *

**XP**


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm Sorry #12**

Sirius Black walked down the stairs from the seventh-year boys' dorm. He continued over to a couch by the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room.

"Well?"

Remus looked up curiously from a copy of the Daily Prophet. His mouth quirked to the side as he tried to decide how to respond.

"Give it to me straight," Sirius encouraged his friend. He had a huge smile on his face as he spun in a circle to display himself fully. The animagus was wearing too-small of slacks that cut off at his shins. He also wore a shirt, the buttons left undone and hanging open, that revealed his torso which had ink in random patterns all over it.

Remus lifted one eyebrow and remained silent.

"Come on, Moony," Sirius said as he stopped his spinning and waited for a verbal response. "It's great, right?"

"Uh."

Sirius's smile grew larger, clearly not deterred by the werewolf's response. "Tell me it's not the best costume you've ever seen."

Remus set his paper aside and clasped his hands together in his lap.

"What are you supposed to be? An idiot?" He dead-panned.

"No." Sirius pulled out a small book from his back pocket, his grey eyes dancing with glee. "I'm a werewolf, actually."

Remus's eyes widened immediately, and he leaned forward. "Wait a minute. You're wearing my clothes!"

Sirius nodded and looked as of he were going to respond when a tall sixth-year Gryffindor witch walked up and placed a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Nice costume, Sirius," she cooed, her hand running down and looping around the wizard's forearm.

Sirius gave Remus an arched look before responding. "Thanks. I'm a werewolf."

"Oh, uh. Yeah, I see that now," she hedged in an unsure tone that belied her words. "I just want-"

"-I'm sorry. I have no time to talk. I must study," Sirius cut her off swiftly, before tacking on, "a lot."

The witch let out a loud laugh. "You're so funny." She leaned in to kiss him on the cheek only to run into his palm.

"Good-bye," he said shortly, pushing her face back slightly. He wiped his hand and the lipstick stain on it against Remus's borrowed pants and sat down on the couch beside him. "I hate distractions," he mumbled, opening his book and seemingly reading it.

The witch looked offended for only a moment, before shaking her head and speaking up. "Sirius, I thought we were going out on a date tonight?"

Sirius didn't bother a glance up, but instead turned the page. "No. I can't. Because I'm a werewolf and I'll only hurt you. We can't be together anymore."

The girl's eyebrows pinched together. She looked to Remus to gauge his response. The werewolf quickly picked up the forgetten paper beside him and pretended to be occupied.

"Are you really breaking up with me?" she finally asked after Sirius turned another page, her voice rising in pitch.

He nodded and sighed, his gaze trained on his book. "I'm sorry, but I just can't love. You see. The moon is my only mistress." He leaned closer to his book and made a humming noise of interest.

"I hate you, Sirius Black!" she spat before walking off in a huff.

"Good! Use that hatred to stay far, _far_ away from me!" he yelled at her retreating form. The girl spun around and growled at him before spinning back and leaving the common room.

Sirius leaned towards Remus and whispered, "I wonder if she's a werewolf, too."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Your book's upside down," he responded dryly.

Sirius nodded. "Werewolves read this way."

"No they don't!"

Sirius turned to his friend, both eyebrows raised. "Who's the werewolf here, Remus? Hm?"

Remus took in a deep breath, noting there were fellow students within hearing range, and let it out slowly. "You..are..Sirius," he said through clenched teeth.

Sirius nodded matter-of-factly and returned to his book.

"Why did you draw on yourself? Another thing I wouldn't understand?" Remus asked, not able to hold the question back.

"Ah, yes. These are scars, Remus. Scars to show that I fought _but won_." He turned the page.

"Does that one there say Sirius Black?"

"Yes." Sirius pulled out a chocolate candy bar and took a gigantic bite.

"Is that my chocolate?"

Sirius ignored him. "Ah, chocolate. All werewolves love chocolate of course," he said in a muffled voice, his mouth full of the treat. "I just can't control myself. Chocolate is soooo good." He wiped at some dripping from his mouth with his hand and placed it back on the book, sullying it.

Remus felt anger begin to bubble in his chest. "I thought chocolate wasn't safe for werewolves."

Sirius waved a hand flippantly. "Myth."

Remus closed his eyes and counted to ten in his mind. "That's my book?"

"And your chocolate, too."

Remus kept his eyes shut and continued counting.

"Hey, Padfoot," James said as he walked up and sat down beside his best friend. "Nice werewolf costume."

Remus opened his eyes and started to respond harshly but stopped. "No. James. _No_."

Amos Diggory looked back at him and gave a very uncharacteristically impish grin. "What? I'm Lily's boyfriend for Halloween."

Remus groaned into his hands. "Of course you are. I am surrounded by _geniuses_," the werewolf said sarcastically and began laughing in disbelief.

Frank Longbottom walked by. "Nice werewolf costume, Sirius."

"Thanks, Frank."

_To Be Continued..._


	13. Chapter 13

**Maybe Not #13**

"Where is Lily's boyfriend?"

Amos blinked. "I'm right here."

"You didn't kill him, did you?" Remus asked, trying to come across as if he was joking but failing.

"Of course not." Remus let out a small sigh. "Then the potion wouldn't work. I checked. I actually locked him in a closet near the Hufflepuff common room. Don't worry, though. I told him it was only temporary," James said, as he twirled an unfamiliar wand.

"That was very thoughtful of you," Sirius pitched in, turning another page, smearing more chocolate on the insides of the upside-down book.

Remus snatched the book from his hands. "That's just wrong."

Sirius nodded. "I know, but werewolves are notoriously boring. It's just in my nature," he said, being intentionally dense.

"James. Lily will be really angry when you tell her," Remus persisted when he noticed the red-head approaching.

"I'm not going to tell her." James smiled mischievously.

"Duh," Sirius interjected.

Remus's eyebrows furrowed, his gaze shifting between his two friends. "Did you two plan this together?"

"Hi Amos." Lily looked between the three boys in a disturbed fashion. "Are you and Remus catching up?"

"No," Sirius spoke up. "He came to see _me_. We're best mates, Evans. It's because I'm a werewolf."

The Amos look-alike nodded his support. "It's true."

Lily frowned. "Since when?"

"Lily, you talk too much. Come here," James paused, reaching out and pulling her onto his lap. "There, that's better." He wrapped his arms around the gobsmacked girl, the look on his face one of complete euphoria.

Lily looked over to Remus, who offered her a weak smile. "How's your day been, Amos?" she asked the wizard behind her, who had begun sniffing her hair. She was beginning to suspect he had been hexed or given a potion to alter his personality.

James let out a sob, his nose still entrenched in her curls. "That... That is the nicest thing you have _ever_ said to me."

Remus let out a laugh at the absurdity of his friend. He quickly attempted to disguise it as a cough.

Lily's bemusement grew. She turned accusingly to Sirius, who was sitting politely beside them. "Black, did you do something?"

"Why do you think that?" Sirius asked innocently. "It's because I'm a werewolf, isn't it?"

Lily blinked. "Amos, we should go now."

"Wait, Lily. I have something to say, first," James said when the redhead shifted as if to stand. Lily turned sideways to face her supposed boyfriend.

James's eyes widened when he noticed they were only inches apart. He leaned forward impulsively and pressed his lips against Lily's.

"_No_." Remus covered his face again with his hands.

"Ohh, I think I had too much chocolate," Sirius groaned, placing his hands on his bare stomach. He groaned again and then vomited in the kissing couple's lap.

Sirius wiped his mouth with his sleeve and fell promptly onto the floor.

Lily let out a screech, "Black, you did that on purpose!" She pulled out her wand and vanished the mess.

James scowled along with her. "I'll get you back for that, Black!"

Remus quickly climbed down beside the wizard. "Sirius, are you okay?" he asked, his voice full of concern for the boy who was groaning and mumbling on the floor.

"Remus. Remus, is that you?" Sirius asked, reaching out a hand blindly, patting the werewolf on the face. "It's happening, Remus," he whispered, his voice weak.

Remus leaned over his friend. "_What's_ happening?" He looked up at James in distress. "Prongs, get Madame Pomfrey!" he yelled at his disguised friend.

Lily turned her head slowly. "_Prongs_?"

"I'm dying!" Sirius moaned. Remus appeared to be in shock. Sirius coughed. "It was.. the chocolate," he gasped out and then went limp.

Remus's eyes closed, his facial features hardening as he slowly stood up. His expression was one of quiet rage. He looked over to James, who was crouched over on the couch as Lily smacked him repeatedly. The werewolf turned and walked woodenly toward the stairs to his dorm, planning to place a locking charm on the room for the entire night.

Lily spun on her heel to stomp away, but stopped when Sirius's reanimated corpse grabbed one of her ankles. The furious witch looked down.

"Lily. Do you want to go to the library? We could study and talk about all your stupid problems together. I am a werewolf after all," he spoke in a weak voice, before lifting a hand to his mouth and licking some of the chocolate off his fingers.

* * *

**Okay, so these last two chapters were us losing our minds. XD**


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks, I Think #14**

"Hello gents," Remus greeted his two friends cheerfully as he sat down at the table beside them in their History of Magic class.

"Shhhh," Sirius responded, his forehead leaning on the table and eyes screwed tightly shut. James didn't respond but instead covered his head with his arms as he too used the table for support.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked impishly. He had left the dorm early that morning and hadn't seen his friends at breakfast or their first two classes.

"Agck."

"Mmph."

Remus pulled out his book and dropped it on the table, eliciting more indecipherable protests. "Oh, you two aren't hung over are you? You did drink a lot last night," he spoke in an intentionally loud voice.

Sirius let out a whimper, and Remus thought that James made a noise that sounded like he was gagging.

"Maybe next time you should pace yourself better."

"Maybe you shouldn't be so smug," Sirius groaned.

"Yeah, what he said," James mumbled beside him.

"Hullo, Remus!" Lily greeted in a chirpy voice as he approached the boys' table.

Sirius and James moaned in unison and pulled their robes over their heads.

"What's wrong with them?" Lily asked as she eyed the two wizards speculatively.

"Hung over," Remus responded lightly.

Lily curled up her lip in disgust, before shaking her head. "Remus, I was wondering if you wanted to be my partner for astronomy this week."

Sirius's head popped up, he cringed in pain and spoke in a hoarse voice. "No, uh. He can't do that, Evans. He's my partner."

Remus gave an apologetic smile. "It's true. Sorry, Lily."

"Oh, too bad. I know you aren't that interested in the moon and I had thought I might be able to change your mind. I got this book, you see. It was really hard to find." Lily held up a book labelled _The Lunar Cycle and its Affects on Magic._ "There's even a chapter on magical creatures who are linked to its cyclic magic. Here, see this is on werew-"

Sirius knocked the book out of her hands abruptly before she could read further.

"What was that for, Black!" Lily roared.

Sirius grimaced but answered her. "Ah, I just. I'm sorry Evans, let me get that for you," he said and lifted his wand. _Reducto_. Sirius watched in satisfaction as the book exploded. "Oops. Wrong spell."

Lily looked down between her feet at the paper scraps. "Black! What is wrong with you! You're still drunk, aren't you?"

Sirius shook his head but stopped when he almost fell out of his seat. "_No_. I'm just exhausted from staying up all night drinking."

James let out a snort of laughter that made his head hurt, his face still planted on the desk. "Ow. Good one Padfoot."

Sirius laid his head back down, ignoring Lily's glare. "I thought you'd like that, Prongs. I've been saving it."

Remus shrugged his shoulders, using all his willpower to hold back a grin.

* * *

**Who got the Family Guy joke? XD**


	15. Chapter 15

**That's Just Odd #15**

"Moony!"

The fifth-year Gryffindor smiled tiredly at the greeting from his spot on a hospital bed in the Hogwart's infirmary.

"Hey there, Remus. Still feeling bad?" James asked, pushing open the curtains to enter.

"Worse than bad," Remus mumbled, warily eyeing his friends, who were standing with their hands in their pockets and wearing matching expectant looks.

"No worries, mate! James and I have come to bust you out," Sirius crowed.

James nodded happily.

"How will that help me feel better?" Remus asked, pushing himself further into the white sheets and pulling his covers higher up around his chest unconsciously.

"Maybe we should hold off, Padfoot," James said, noticing the motion.

"Nonsense," Sirius said, with a wave of his hand. "We are sneaking out to Hogsmeade. Trust me. It'll help."

"Me or you?" Remus asked skeptically, not budging from his spot.

Sirius face dropped in a wounded fashion. "I'm thinking of _you_ here, Remus. With your monthly issues it's the least we could do."

Remus's eyes widened. He motioned silently with both hands to the curtains beside his bed, his eyes trying to convey a private message.

James and Sirius looked over to see a pair of ratty old shoes under the curtains on the other side. Familiar ratty old shoes.

Remus removed any doubt by mouthing the word. "Snape."

The three wizards stared at each other for a few beats before Sirius pulled out his wand, a determined look settling on his features.

James and Remus grabbed for their friend, James just managing to stop Sirius before he made it to the curtains. James pushed him onto the bed and Remus's sore legs.

"Aghhhh!" the werewolf cried out, shoving the boy off and onto the floor.

Sirius let out a surprised yelp and landed with a loud thud, before jumping back up almost immediately, his eyes intense as he scanned the floor. "Where's my-"

"-Looking for this?" James held Sirius's wand up, his own wand in his other hand, dual wanding with a dark grin on his face.

Sirius took the opportunity to punch his best friend in the stomach. James let out a groan and leaned over, trying to catch his breath as he let out a string of expletives aimed at Sirius.

"Guys. I think he's asleep," Remus whispered. James pushed himself upright slowly and glared at Sirius, who returned his look with a genial smile.

Remus pushed himself off the bed and the three boys tip-toed over to the curtains. They shared a glance. James nodded and pulled open the curtains slowly.

"What are you three doing?" Lily Evans sat at Severus's bedside with a suspicious look on her face. "Come to hex him again, have you Black?"

Sirius displayed his empty hands. "No, I have a conscience you know, Evans." James and Remus held back their retorts. "We've actually come to see how he's holding up," he said innocently before walking over to the seemingly sleeping Slytherin.

"Right." Lily gave Sirius a look of utter disbelief.

"How long has he been asleep?" Sirius asked in a curious tone, leaning down and bringing himself face-to-face with the Slytherin, only inches separating them, trying to see if he was faking.

"Oh, thirty minutes or so. Madame Pomfrey gave him a sleeping potion," she paused, frowning at the eccentric wizard. "What are you doing?" she demanded as Sirius blew softly against the wizard's pallor face.

Sirius turned his head, keeping his face uncomfortably close. "He looked a bit hot," he lied, a feigned look of concern on his face.

Lily arched an eyebrow.

James spoke up. "It's true. He does it for me sometimes and it really helps." Remus quirked his lips to the side. Lily shot him a look of bewilderment.

Sirius began whispering insults under his breath at the wizard, waiting for a twitch of the face to belie his state. Sirius's eyes narrowed when he still received no response before standing up and looking over to his friends and shrugging.

"So, since Snape isn't going to be able to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow, how about you and me, Evans?" James asked, smiling hopefully at the witch. "I've got it all planned out. First-"

"-No."

"But-"

"-No."

"Maybe-"

"-No."

James opened his mouth try again when he received an elbow in the side from Remus. "Fair enough. I'll just find you when we get there," he promised.

Lily let out an exasperated groan.

The Slytherin shifted in his sleep, drawing the three wizard's attention back to the form. The wizard seemed to sense their gazes pinned on him and settled back down.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Well, I guess we'll be going. I've done all I can do," he said forlornly.

Lily glared at him. "How about apologizing to him."

Sirius smiled before letting out a barking laugh. "Good one, Evans."


	16. Chapter 16

**So Close... #16**

"Tonight's the night, Moony. It's going to be so much fun! I can tell you're excited." Sirius Black leaned back on the bench from where he sat at the Gryffindor table, smiling encouragingly at his friend, his eyebrows raised expectantly.

Remus's hand froze only inches from the dessert tray, having suddenly garnered his friend's attention. He quickly redirected it and scooped up some carrots from the tray in front of him and put them on his plate. He took a slow bite as if contemplating his friend's statement. "Actually, I'm not going to help you," he said finally.

"What! Why not?" Sirius exclaimed, shocked.

"I don't like terrorizing Snape. That's James," Remus said helpfully, nodding to the bespectacled wizard a few seats down and eyeing the dessert tray.

Sirius peered over to their friend, who was sitting beside his new girlfriend, Lily Evans, with a goofy grin on his face. Remus discreetly snatched a chocolate pastry from the tray while the other boy was distracted.

"You _can't_ tell me you have anything better planned," Sirius persisted, turning back to Remus who was inconspicuously setting a napkin on his plate to cover half of it.

"Actually, I do. I'm going to study tonight," Remus said very proudly, nodding and taking another bite of his mashed potatoes with a smile as he imagined how good the pastry would taste.

Sirius leaned forward, gaping at him. "Are you howling mad? It's Friday!"

"Barking."

"_What_."

"It's barking. The saying is,' Are you barking mad?"' Remus corrected in a distracted tone as he tried to work out in his quiet excitement how he was actually going to eat the contraband pastry now that he had secured it.

Sirius gave him a patronizing look and spoke in a slow voice, "Werewolves don't bark, Remus."

Remus blinked.

"I hate you."

"No you don't," Sirius said in a dismissive tone. "And, Remus," he paused, leaning forward more, his expression surprising the werewolf as it darkened, "You know I'm not going to let you eat that, right?"


	17. Chapter 17

**It's So Overt #17**

"I think I'm starting to grow some hair," a fourth-year James said proudly.

"That's nothing. I've been growing hair my entire life." Sirius ran his fingers through said silky, black locks, smiling at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. He winked at himself.

"No, you stupid tosser. I mean, _manly hair_. Look." James leaned over and showed him his chin.

Sirius took James's chin in his hand. He slowly turned it to the left and then to the right, making a humming noise of contemplation.

"Nope. Smooth as a flobberworm's butt."

James shoved his grinning friend away. "Whatever." He leaned over the sink and looked closer, pointing at a spot on his chin. "See, _right there_."

Remus hid a smile as he fixed his hair in the mirror with a comb, trying to tame a particularly stubborn cowlick.

"Moony."

"Hmm?"

"What do you think?"

"Oh, yes. _Definitely_."

"See, Sirius."

"He didn't even look," Sirius ratted out his other friend. James turned to Remus with a wounded look of someone who had been double-crossed.

Remus glared at Sirius. "Listen, James. It's not that important. Who cares anyway?"

James crossed his arms and shot Remus an arched glare.

"_What_?"

"Well, that's easy for you to say, isn't it?" James tilted his head, giving him a pointed look.

"Huh?"

"You've got _chest_ hair," James said in an accusatory fashion.

"No, I don't," Remus heard himself lie.

"What's this?" Sirius walked over and grabbed the hem of Remus's shirt. He started to tug it up.

"Oi, stop that! What are you doing?" The werewolf said, smacking the wizard's hands away.

"Ow. Stop hitting me. Ow. Just let me look. Ow. I _want_ to see. Come on!" The wizard doubled his attempts in trying to pull up the werewolf's shirt.

"Fine." Remus acquiesced.

"Woh, he does! Quite a bit too!" Sirius exclaimed.

"It's not fair, really," James tacked on.

Sirius frowned and pulled up his own shirt to compare body hair.

"An unfair advantage for sure," Sirius muttered.

"I'd hardly call it a-"

"-What are you guys doing?"

Sirius stood holding Remus's shirt up in one hand and his own in the other. The three wizards had been glancing between the exposed chests. They looked over at him but didn't respond right away.

"Contest," Sirius blurted. Remus smacked his hand away and pulled down his own shirt quickly.

Frank made his way to one of the sinks. He picked up his toothbrush he had mounted on the wall with a secret sticking charm. The wizard put a line of toothpaste on his brush. He turned to look at the three silent boys.

"A contest?" the boy asked curiously before putting his toothbrush in his mouth. He started to brush his teeth as he waited for a response.

"Yeah..." James responded. Frank continued to wait.

"A chest hair contest," Sirius added quickly.

Remus grimaced and shook his head.

Frank frowned. He turned around and spat, rinsed his toothbrush off and whispered the charm to replace his brush before turning back to face the three boys.

Remus had begun brushing his hair again. James was inspecting his bare chin once more, and Sirius was standing rather close to Frank and looking down at his still exposed chest forlornly.

Frank furrowed his eyebrows at the odd wizard before turning his gaze to Remus. "Well, what's your 'unfair advantage' then?" he asked curiously.

Remus's hand froze, his comb only halfway through his hair. He set the comb down. "I'm older," he said simply and started to leave the bathroom.

"No, you're not!" Sirius blurted. "I'm six months older than you," he said in a self-righteous voice.

Remus closed his eyes slowly before turning back around. He laughed lightly. "Right."

Frank furrowed his eyebrows. "What aren't you guys telling me?"

Sirius sighed. He placed a hand on Frank's shoulder. "Fine, I'll tell you. You see, Remus here-"

"-Sirius-!" James shouted.

"-Remus is a blood-thirsty werewolf," he said matter-of-factly.

Remus's chin dropped. James's eyes grew impossibly wide. Frank started laughing.

"You're crazy, Sirius," Frank said. Sirius started laughing with him, his laughs a little too loud and having an unhinged quality to them to add validity to the other boy's statement.

"No, no," Sirius said with a laugh. "Remus just takes a body hair growth potion," he said.

Frank started laughing even harder. "You were right, Remus. You can't keep any secrets around this one. Maybe you should look into getting new friends," he joked as he walked out of the bathroom, shaking his head in amusement.

Sirius turned back around with a huge smile on his face. "That went well."

Remus and James glared viciously at him.

"Oh, and good news, fellas," he continued on happily as he ignored their looks. He turned around, whispered under his breath and removed Frank's toothbrush from the wall.

"I've discovered Frank's new sticking charm," he said.


	18. Chapter 18

**No Judgement Here #18**

"I can't believe my parents are making me attend the Frost Queen's wedding," Sirius grumbled, referring to his cousin Narcissa Black. He sat beside James in potions class. Remus and Lily stood at a table behind them.

"Yeah, tough luck, mate," James said as he thinly sliced up a portion of boomslang.

"Just make sure you're careful around Remus tonight. He tends to get really feisty," Sirius warned James. He wouldn't be there for Remus's transformation for the first time since they had become animagi, and he was the one who usually calmed down the werewolf at first.

"I think I can handle him," James said, dropping his cut-up product into their bubbling cauldron.

Sirius picked up a spoon and began to stir it counter-clockwise. "Yeah, well that's what I thought before. You can't underestimate him. He'll act all sweet and cuddly, and you turn around for a second, and-Wham!-he's all over you!"

James pushed his shoulders back. "It'll be fine, Sirius. I'm not helpless," he said, referring to his animagus's antlers. He glanced back at Remus, who was ignoring them as he counted his stirs. Lily was looking down at their book. James bit his lip nervously and looked back to his partner. "Any other pointers?"

"Yeah, if he tries to lick you, don't be fooled. He really just wants to bite you, and he bites really hard." Sirius rubbed his neck absentmindedly.

"What _are_ you two doing tonight?" Lily asked Remus curiously.

Sirius and James turned around. Remus's eyes widened, he opened his mouth to respond quickly but was cut off by Sirius.

"None of your business, Evans," he snarled.

"Sirius!" James yelled and cuffed his friend upside the head.

"Ow!"

Lily turned to Remus, who looked suspiciously guilty and then over to James who gave her a timid smile but offered no explanation. Her mouth dropped open.

"_Oh_."

"What, 'oh'?" James asked, confused. He looked to Sirius, who glared at him and turned away, refusing to offer his assistance.

"Stupid James. Doesn't need my help," he muttered hotly under his breath as he began to stir the potion once more.

"I just mean. It makes sense," Lily said, her cheeks blushing. She glanced over at Remus and her blush grew as Sirius's words of advice flashed through her head. She giggled.

"_Wait_." Remus looked up suddenly. "No, no, _absolutely_ not, Lily," he insisted.

James furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

"You don't have to explain yourself. I will be your friend no matter what," she said to Remus.

James dropped his knife and it clattered to the ground. "NO. _No_, Lily. That's not it. We're not.."

"Definitely not," Remus added.

Lily nodded in a decidedly feigned manner. "Of _course_ not."

"Sirius, Sirius, tell her," James said.

Sirius gave his friend a level look before turning around to Lily.

"I'm glad you finally figured it out, Evans."


End file.
